Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Hearts and Stars and Big Brown Eyes

On December 29, 2014, our 16 year old dog Mulder Faulk Johnson, died.

I began this post a few months back at the height of my sorrow, but I feel that the 6 month mark is appropriate to eulogize and remember him with a clearer head. The first months were hard. The inconsolable sorrow was a lead apron, the likes of which I have never felt in all my life.  I have never lost anyone that I loved as much as Mulder. So here goes. My love for Mulder on a single page in the vastness of the internet.

I started with chapters of funny Mulder stories (and honestly, who doesn't have at least 1?), but I erased them all to write candidly about what Mulder and I did for each other, and why I will miss him every day of my life.

From the day we got him, my relationship with Mulder was tumultuous to say the least.  I was the disciplinarian and his dad was the good guy.  The worst part about losing him, is not knowing if he knew how deeply I adored him. How sad I am that I will never see him again.  We can tell people that we love them and we can receive their love in return, but I always second guess my relationships with the non-verbal.

If I close my eyes for just a moment, my nose is buried in that beautiful, black, silky hair, and I am smelling his special "Mulder" scent.  I can see those gorgeous brown eyes looking at me, either begging for a treat - or begging forgiveness.  I can feel the white hot rage of coming home to destroyed baby gates, puddles of pee, or mangled blinds. I can feel the warmth of watching him sleep peacefully in our bed, being greeting euphorically at the door, or watching him sit patiently at the foot of our sons highchair. I can smile for all the times he made me laugh, whether he was being funny, or he left me so exasperated that I had no other choice but to crack a smile. I can see how handsome he looks after a bath and a haircut, and what a lunatic he was post-bath, running around the house rubbing himself on the walls and furniture, trying to dry off.

I hope he knew.  I hope in those final moments, when the 3 of us were alone in that room, he knew how adored he was.  That losing him broke my heart.  That I will never be the same without him.  That I am sorry for every time I lost my temper. Because right now there is almost nothing I wouldn't give to have him here barking like a lunatic because the doorbell rang and whoever it is is obviously a murderer and we should all go hide.

He made me such a better person.  There will never be another Mulder.  Mulder was one of the great loves of my life. I hate time for moving so fast and so slow all at the same time.

The days are long, but the years are short. Thank You Mulder, for 16 amazing, infuriating, rewarding years of being your mom <3

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